SOCCER

Let’s make a deal – BFW style! Report says he knows Bayern Munich’s asking prices for players

ADVERTISEMENT

As we’re inundated with transfer rumours, Sky have stepped in to try to determine the selling prices for the players that Bayern Munich — allegedly — is for sale.

Whether you believe the rumors or not, Sky has the magic numbers for the Bayern Munich players most linked to an exit from The Rekordmeister.

ADVERTISEMENT

So… we did this… Let’s do a BFW (transfer) deal!

Announcer: Welcome everyone to BFW’s new game show, “Let’s Make a (Transfer) Deal!”

(C. Smith comes running backstage slapping a beer and wearing one of those powder blue Dumb and Dumber tuxedos)

CS: I’ll be your host for today’s show! Let’s get straight to business and meet our competitors. First off, this guy is best known for his status as #MüllerMafia boss, his dislike of Benjamin Pavard, and once he got the Daily Mail to feature him in an article… is Ineednoname!

INNN: Wow… you really have hair!

CS: Then this boy likes to make everyone think he’s British, loves liverpool (crowd boos loudly!), and was listed as one of Connecticut’s Most Eligible Bachelors of 2021.

ETA: It’s not a good idea to look at Tommy Adams on the wrong side, man.

CS: Ok, so let’s go third person right from the start, let’s ditch it again for BFW’s resident scouser! Finally, our last contestant likes to get his way in defeats to Bayern and sometimes makes the Emo version of Batman bright and cheerful, let’s listen to him for the deep-voiced BFW baritone…Teddy Soooooooooooooon!

TS: Why am I even here? I should bury my Hamit Altıntop kit in the garden.

Let’s start! According Sky, these are the asking prices for the players that Bayern Munich have (allegedly) put up for sale. To win, you must be closest to the number without exceeding it…and the winner of this contest will be this vacation in…Lancaster County, PA…the home of Dutch Wonderland, Christian Pulisic, where Marcus Iredahl was once posed with the Intercourse, PA sign (we have proof) when he was like 10 years old, and the Amish Mafia!

(The crowd oohs and aahs)

CS: OK competitors, let’s start the competition… ARE YOU… READY?

(Crowd roars)

INNN: (no response… texting a lady… what a sneaky dog)

ETA: “I’m amazed!”

TS: “I’m not going to choke on this contest like Nagelsmann would!”

(Crowd boos)

CS: Ok applicants, how much would Bayern like to get for Robert Lewandowski

INNN: At least 50 million euros.

ETA: 75 million pounds, man.

CS: Um, #EnglishTom, can you convert that to euros?

ETA: Me, I don’t recognize the euro, my friend.

CS: Teddy Son, and you?

TS: No amount is enough to prevent Bayern from entering a black hole of desperation.

CS: Alright then. Heaven’s report says…Robert Lewandowski is available for at least 50 million euros. Ineednoname, you have won this round! Next, Marcel Sabitzer… how much do Bayern want for him?

INNN: 15 million euros.

ETA: £5 million.

CS: (shakes his head in disgust)

TS: Why is this important? Nagelsmann will not play the one we sign to replace him!

CS: Sky Report says… Bayern want 15 million euros for Marcel Sabitzer! Ineednoname, you have won again! Congratulations, you are on your way to a huge victory. Now we have Omar Riiiiiiiiiiiiichards!

(Crowd laughs)

CS: #EnglishTom Adams, let’s start with you this time — and I hope you’ll abide by the use of the euro as the currency here.

ETA: Holy shit, you’re mad as a hatter, buddy! £7 million.

CS: But… ah, too bad! Teddy Son, take it away.

TS: He’s only been here a year and barely played…how much can he be worth. Not as much as my Sebastian Deisler comeback kit.

CS: (takes a sip of whisky). Ineednoname, and you?

INNN: 10 to 12 million euros without a doubt in my mind.

CS: Sky’s report says…Omar Richards can be had for 10-12 million euros! Ineednoname, you have won again!

(Bell rings)

CS: Okay we’re in the final round and Ineednoname hold a substantial lead but #EnglishTom Adams and Teddy Son could still come back and steal the game if they can get the final answer with no money. No pun intended… HEY-OOOOOOOO. Here we go… are you ready?

(Audience roars)

CS: Competitors, what is the combined total Bayern Munich would want for Serge Gnabry, Benjamin Pavard and Bouna Sarr – plus each individual breakdown. You have 30 seconds, starting… NOW!

CS: OK, pencils down! Teddy Son, let’s start with you!

TS: I didn’t answer because this game sucks and you’re an idiot! (thunderstorms outside the BFW studio)

(Audience gasps)

CS: That’s unfortunate, #EnglishTom Adams, let’s get to you.

ETA: This show is Sweet Fanny Adams, mate. It sucks and you’ve lost the plot. You’re kidding yourself and I can’t take it anymore. (thunderstorms outside the BFW studio)

CS: Again, it’s unfortunate and I can’t tell if #EnglishTom is meant to be British or pirate. Ineednoname, well, let’s hear from you.

INNN: A total of 75 million euros. €40m for Serge Gnabry, €30m for Benjamin Pavard and €5m for Bouna Sarr.

CS: That’s… (dramatic pause)… correct! €40m for Serge Gnabry, €30m for Benjamin Pavard and €5m for Bouna Sarr. You have won! Ineednoname is our great champion!

(The crowd roars, except Benzeman who throws a tomato at him!)

CS; Ineednoname, how did you launch a perfect game today?

INNN: I read the article before the show you dope.

CS: Well, that’s all for today! Have fun in Lancaster County! We’ll see you next time on BFW’s Let’s Make a (Transfer) Deal! »

(Yeah, we needed a different closing theme)

ADVERTISEMENT