NBA

The best part of the Warriors title is that the Celtics lost

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If you’re a Warriors fan, you’ve got a lot on your plate for the next few days. You must stay drunk. You have to roam the streets, looking for other Warriors fans, you can scream WOOOOOO! on sight. You need to find a police car to overturn and burn (here’s a bottle of lighter fluid to keep you going). You have to jump in the ocean because Klay Thompson (rightly so) made it sound like the most important thing in the world, only to be reminded that the ocean water in San Francisco is colder than the Royal family. You have to forcefully corner Steph Curry in the GOAT conversation and get everyone to argue about this particular topic again.

But I have one last vital thing I need you to do. I want you to remember what is REALLY important right now and that is the Celtics lost. Because they did. Isn’t that great? They lost this streak, and they can’t lose it. They will never have the chance to win the 2022 final again, and that’s great. Are the Celtics themselves an admirable team? Yes. Has hating Boston sports teams just because of their fans become a tired cliche? Yes. Did I just recognize all of this as a way to forgive myself before going to indulge in cliché for the millionth time? I did it. I regret nothing.

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Because listen: we already live in a world where the worst win all the time. They win sports titles. They win Supreme Court decisions. They win the right to pay Phil Mickelson $200 million to finish 25th in an unmissable golf tournament. So you better savor every moment these people eat shit, because those moments are never guaranteed. So let’s do it now, because hating the Celtics is both right and necessary. Their uniforms are ugly. Their home crowd is a thatched convention. One of their fans will come up to you and shout LEN BIAS’ COCAINE OVERDOSE HAPPENED TO ME! even if they are 36 years old. Another will shout YOU HATE US BECAUSE YOU ARE NOT US, which, if you’ve ever lived in New England like me, is remarkably untrue. This is a group of people who are annoying enough that a neutral observer like me not only condones Draymond Green’s game tactics, but actively roots for them to be deployed. The whole series, I was like lol Draymond grabbed this guy’s jersey just to trigger him lol my king, like a TOTAL donkey. Once again: no regrets. The Celtics deserve to have all slurs thrown at them, and then have those slurs recycled and used against them again.

Because there’s no better day on the sports calendar than after a championship loss to Boston. Right now, my mind is a whirlwind of heavenly, schadenfreude-ian visions. I can see Mark Wahlberg leaving the Garden at half-time, probably to liberate Ukraine single-handedly. I can see famed podcaster Bill Simmons placating himself by inviting Adam Carolla to tell him jokes about annoying women. I can see Dana White standing like all MMA guys – with their chest puffed out and their arms hanging three inches from their torso, which is a completely natural way to stand – and huffing that the NBA is paying too much players and doesn’t employ enough members of the Proud Boys. I see that Matt Damon doesn’t feel bold or lucky anymore. I can see Tommy de Quincy, the four teeth of him, sinking a big lip before bitching at the referees. All this gives me great joy. All this makes me believe in God.

Because the world is better off when you lose, Boston. When Jordan Poole lands several rough triples to close out the third quarter, global carbon emissions drop by 3%. When Jayson Tatum decides to become the version of Ben Simmons who WANTS to take easy pictures but can’t, a hungry kid finds a hot meal to eat. When Steph throws a three- to eight-point range that goes in so fast you think you’re watching a time-lapse video of that shot, extinct species suddenly reappear. The Earth shakes off its rust. Life begins again. There was a moment in the third quarter last night when the Celtics cut the lead down to single digits – this whole streak was nothing but scoring big – and the Garden crowd was pumped because they were like we were coming back! It’s 28-3 again! I’m going to be racist to celebrate! then the warriors put on the pincers and withdrew. When all this happened, the cancer was cured and cold fusion was discovered. Simultaneously.


If I overstated the ripple effect of a Celtics loss, and I don’t think I did, it’s because I know the triumph of kindness is a rare moment in this world. You know it too. Come tomorrow, a bunch of aliens will land on earth and they’ll all look and act like Jimmy Fallon, and I’ll remember it’s all horrible again. But not today! No, my friends, today we are going to celebrate. And while you may be happy because your team won, please take a moment to consider the people on the other side of these finals. They’re probably in a lot of pain right now, agonizing over what could have been. And it’s f-king AWESOME. Never get old to watch them get their way. I’m going to steal a tank.

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